Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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