Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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