I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Randomize
