theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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