I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
