Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
