Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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