There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
