I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
