I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
