why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
