The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
