If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
