Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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