I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
