sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
