Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
