New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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