Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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