I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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