so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
