every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
