Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
