Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Randomize
