Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
