I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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