you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
