did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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