i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
is that a dick in a sweater?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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