im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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