If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
