Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
