I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
