Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
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