They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
