remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
