...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
