i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
