I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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