you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
