Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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