I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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