so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i was born a porn star she said
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
