you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
