You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
