she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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