my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
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