Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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