just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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