Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
