is your mom at the bar?
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
