After last night, I could never be a politician.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
